ok so I decided to make this so that I can write about how im feeling/thinking or w/e b/c I dont like posting stuff like that on myspace. there are certain people I dont want looking at it soo thats why. so here im stripped of everything that I try to pretend is really going on inside me. it changes alot but thats just the way I am.
Its been hard ever since I had AJ. He's my world and I would do it all over again but i've been really depressed. Its no surprise b/c I've dealt with a bunch of disorders all my life but everyone kept telling that everything would get better once my baby was here and it got worse. not b/c of him but b/c im dealing with postpartum depression now. Having borderline personality ofcourse made me at a higher risk but I thought I wouldnt be a statistic. I guess I am. Whats even worse is that Im taking it all out on anthony and hes so supportive. I hate this. Sometimes I really think that him and the baby would be better off if I wasnt around b/c I dont want anthony to deal with me and for AJ to have a crazy mom. I put on a very good facade for everyone but sometimes I break and I feel like im dying. Its hard to stay positive when I've dealt with all this since I was very small. Going to therapists since the age of 4 kinda makes me feel hopeless that anything will ever get better. I dunno...we'll see

Current Mood: blah